life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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