All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
