Midget sex pt 2 tonight
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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