my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Randomize
