I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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