after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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