Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Randomize
