things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
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