I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Randomize
