This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
