Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Randomize
