I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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