I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Its about making memories worth repressing
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
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