It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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