Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I need mimosas to revive my soul
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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