Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
