Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
