My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
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