census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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