You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
