I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
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