Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Randomize
