i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
