Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Randomize
