Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i will never coherently bang her
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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