if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Randomize
