We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
