so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
