my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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