There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
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