i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
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