Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
