I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
