you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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