im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
