I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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