In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Randomize
