she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
