We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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