Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
