Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
