got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Randomize
