I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
