Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Randomize
