i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Come on in and take your pants off
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