my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
