I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
