So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Randomize
