We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
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