Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
