Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Randomize
