her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
