my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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