I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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