I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
