I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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