he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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