I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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